The simple things....

Somedays I think the long separation between G-Man and I takes a serious toll on me sometimes.  I know he told me up front, that he would hardly ever be around, and I agreed to this foolishness, but damn. He travels so much for work, I understand why he hasn't had a serious relationship before me.

 I just want one weekend, not even a whole weekend, but a entire day and night, when it is just me and him.  No kids, no work, no conference calls. Just us

Is that too much to ask for?

I was feeling lonely the other day, wanting just to be touched.  Some adult conversation. I actually sent a text to someone and told them I wanted to come by and sit on his face.  WOW, right??!! And if he would have answered me quickly and was like heck yeah, I soo would have gone over and let it go down.  Thank goodness he didn't respond right away.

The few minutes of silence between my text and his, gave way to a different perspective.  Sound judgement and major guilt kicked in.

Guilt! Yeah, just from sending the text.  I can't even imagine what would have happened if I actually allowed myself to go over there and let him eat my pussy.  My conscious, would have probably gotten the best of me.

Is sending a flirtatious text cheating?  I am very liberal, but if I would have found any type of correspondence between my secret agent man and a woman, I would go the fuck off! So why should it be any different for me.

I doubt seriously that G-Man would actually act on any advances by a chick, he is so disciplined.  Me on the other hand had to work at being this disciplined.  I cannot imagine being with anyone else.  The thought of someone else sticking their dick in me turns my stomach.

Even the hot little lesbian fantasies I used to have make me want to hurl chunks. Blah!!

Don't get me wrong,  my babe and I flirt like crazy while he is gone.  Lots of pictures and dirty emails about how I want him deep inside me and things like that.  But nothing compares to when he is here, and I can feel him. His finger tips gliding across my shoulder, his lips sweetly kissing mine, or his breath against my neck while he is sleep next to me.

Ahh, the simple things that many of us forget about in a relationship, are so important to me.

I cannot wait for him to get back, and I get that text "Daddy's home"!



 

Sharing is not caring.....

I went to get my hair done today.  And while in the salon today, I was privilege to one of the most amazing, and ridiculous stories I have probably ever heard.

I am sitting in the chair and in walks this very pretty woman with a cast on her foot. I am so freakin  nosey I asked her what happened to her, and why is she wearing a sparkly skirt and heels in the valley.

Broken foot girl proceeds to tell me this amazing story of how she went out with her "boyfriend" who happens to be married, to a bar to watch the last Lakers game.  They are sitting in a booth in the back of the bar, when he excuses himself.  He's gone, 5, 10, 15 minutes, then she goes outside to call him.  What it breaks down to is he left her at the bar with no ride home.  Some how she gets him back to the bar, but he wouldn't let her in the car, so she she decides to chase after him in platform heels, and falls and breaks her foot.  Instead of her being pissed at this dude for leaving her ass at a bar, she is still with  married guy, giving his ass head and whatever else he wants with her broke foot.

Oh and the best part about this story is she said she is going to try and get pregnant.

So I asked her, "is the dick THAT good?".  YES, she answers.

Really?

I had to ask her how old she was.  38! For someone who should know by now, she has the mentality of an 18 year old.

I know there are women that only deal with men that are married.  But wow, who really likes to share dick, cause I know I don't.

I find it so interesting, that to be happy so many people will opt to share a persons affections, emotions, and everything else to be happy.  What is so great about that?  Isn't that just settling?

Dating a married man is so pointless. There are so many restrictions to a relationship like that. Too much secrecy for me. You don't really get anything out of it, except maybe a few great pieces of jewelry and some hot sex.

It is pure laziness that a person does not put the effort in, to finding someone for themselves.  Is it too much work?  Heck yeah, its work.  But a real relationship is work, compromise and trust.

I know there are many fears to the human heart.  Some don't want the commitment, which I understand, but there are plenty of single me to have noncommittal sex with.

Is it the possibility of a broken heart that makes women go after married men?  Or wanting someone who doesn't belong to them?

Is so interesting that women will risk it all, possible relationship exposure, their friends,  their dignity, their self respect for a relationship with someone that doesn't even belong to them.

This type of sharing is soooo not caring.....

It's Complicated...

G-Man is still gone.....

As I await the return of my G-Man, I tend to occupy my time with several things homework, kids, eating, basic general everyday things.  But my favorite thing is to stalk people on Facebook.  I love to watch their lives unfold via social networking.  

What amazes me the most about the people I stalk, is the fact that they make no secret about their yearnings to be in a relationship or to be married.  I am sure you can guess, most of these people are women.  

I don't know what to say, most days I shake my head in disbelief.  Some days I see messages like "I am a strong woman, I don't need a man" and in the next update "Why can't I find someone for me?" "Why can't I have my white dress?". 

As I lay in my bed, I patiently wait for the updates to start.  It's like clock-work.  "I can't wait to see my baby", "Having a wonderful time with my man", "Ahhhhh".  To the "I am done" ,"Moving on", "Can't sleep, too much on my mind".  

All while changing their status' from single, to in a relationship, to its complicated, back to single, then back to It's complicated".  What is that?

Now I am totally guilty of the "lovey-dovey updates" especially in french.  "J'aime mon homme (I love my man)", "Je suis tellement en amour (I am so in love)", and blah blah blah".  Especially after a good dicking from G-Man.

But my updates don't hold a candle to the people I stalk on Facebook.  

These people go from one gear shift of  love  to hating this person, being heart broken, venting of their anger, to posting pictures that they shouldn't in less than a week.

If relationships can take a person to the extremes I see on FB, is really worth it? Should we look at it as a disposable relationship and move on?

I know, we as humans, are not made up to be alone, we are always searching for that wholeness, that person that will "complete" us.  It's a built in need.  

Love has a tremendous hold over us, even if we choose not to acknowledge it.  We are always on this relentless search for Mr or Mrs right, and they turn out to be Mr or Mrs right now.   

Before we jump into our next Facebook infused relationship failure rants, before we settle down with someone, it is important that we actually know us first. If a relationship is complicated maybe we are too complicated to begin with to be in a relationship.

We want to believe what we see on t.v. and in the movies, that we will ride off into the sunset with the person of our dreams.  Love doesn't really happen that way.  It happens in its own time, unforced by anyone.



But is it really that complicated......

An order of TRUST SUPER-SIZED...

G-Man is traveling again for work...

The first thing I did this morning since I have yet to do laundry, is smell the t-shirt I had on when I spent the night at his house.  It smelled just like him.  As I sit here thinking of him, all I can think about is how he smells, and the way he makes me laugh.  Who would have thought that this serious suit and tie guy was so hilarious.  Man I miss the friendship and love he and I have for each other.  

When G-Man travels, I worry and I can't sleep.  

So I was up last night and I was on messenger with a friend of mine, Papi.  His wife Freckles travels for work and is gone ALL the flippin time.  So I asked him about how he deals, as well as when she is gone what is the first thing he misses about her.  He said he misses the sex, the companionship, and the talking.  

I would have to agree with my friend....

I wondered, how does he deal with being alone all the time. Cause some days I have no idea how to deal.  I feel tested sometimes.  

I confessed to Papi that I had been struggling with insecurities about my relationship with G-Man this past week.  G-Man has been so preoccupied with work, preparing for his biz trip, and other things this past week that I felt a little ignored.  I know if he was some regular guy, with a regular job, I would probably feel a bit smothered with all the time me and my regular guy spent together.  But I am not dealing with regular here.  And this is not your ordinary love relationship.  But I was driving myself crazy.  And I wasn't sure why. 

Did I not trust G-Man? Of course I do! I was back to psycho analyzing every little thing, and forgetting to look at the big picture.  This man that I am in a relationship with, makes time for me at least once a week, he returns every single email I send to him, he calls me just to hear my voice even though he knows how much I hate to talk on the phone.  He thinks of me.  I know the things I mentioned may seem very small to many, a non-factor, and an excuse to defend him, but these are big steps for a guy who once wrote to me in the getting to know phase that he is not big on communicating and romance.  He is all about ROMANCE.

What Papi made me realize from our IM session is that every couples relationship is different. We communicate differently, we show our feeling differently.  There is not a manual for relationships and love that anyone can follow.  All the trust that G-Man has for me, I have to also have for him.  There are ups and downs it will not be smooth sailing all the time.  I needed to STOP.  Just stop over thinking, stop wanting the easy.   

I needed to stop ordering the side of psycho analyzing.

What I needed was an order of TRUST SUPER-SIZED.....

Cliff Jumping....

I have been thinking a lot lately about relationships.  We make connections to others, some good, and some not so good. But all of these relationships have some kind of effect on us.  I am not too sure why I am reflecting on relationships so much, except for the fact that I am reflecting on my own relationship with G-Man.

Why is it that we as women psycho analyze every single thing about our relationship. Every word, every look, every touch that happens or doesn't happen.  We want to believe that we will live happily ever after with this person.  When we fall in love are we supposed to analyze it, or just FALL, fall head over heels for that person.

I swear, some days I think about this fairy tale that I am living out, and think, am I crazy.  Why did I give up everything, quit my job for him.  Is he really worth it.

See, we met at a mixer, where I feel in love with him at first sight. He took my breath away, I was gone. Went to lunch the next day, and 6 weeks later I was off to Africa to visit him for 3 weeks while he was on assignment.  Only after trying to figure out how to go on vacation for 3 weeks at a new job.  Oh, yeah, you don't.  So I quit.  And No he isn't African.

Now I am in this relationship, with a guy that is amazing.  I love him more than I actually thought was possible for me to do.  And now I have all these insecure thoughts.  Not the thoughts that you get when you are fuckin around on that person(cause I'm not, he is everything I ever wanted), but the doubt that can build up, about picking the right mate.  We always have glorious thoughts about what our future will hold, and secretly await for the other shoe to drop.  

Seems like falling in love is so much harder when we keep our heart guarded.  I tried to find a way to love him and guard my heart at the same time.  But for some reason it doesn't work that way.  The more I love him, the easier the fence and chains that were around my heart seem to fall.  I used to wonder how it would feel to actually and truly be in love, and how would I know.  And always would get "you will know, when it happens".  Really? Is that how it works?

I never thought this would happen to me.  That first glance meant everything, more than I realized at the time.  But wow! My closed heart, opened.  I didn't realize it at the time that my heart had it's own agenda, and I needed to hop on this roller-coaster, or I was going to miss out on something great.  Even if in the end it doesn't work out, at least I could say it was the best time of my life.

Love is crazy, love is amazing, and you will never know unless you open up and experience it. Life's too short.


You gotta jump off the cliff, otherwise you will never know.....

I am so CHICKEN SHIT

I am soo chicken shit!!

I can't even tell my boyfriend (G-Man, he is my Mr. Big) that I love him.  I had the perfect opportunity to tell him last night.  It was just after I gave him a fantastic blow job.  We were sitting in the kitchen, and we were just staring at each other.   I am sure it was only seconds, but it felt like eternity.  Just looking each other in the eyes. I had butterflies, my palms were all sweaty, and I could feel it forming on my tongue. I felt a smile come to my lips. Then he says "What?" Uggh.  Perfect opportunity.

  I have been in love with this man since the day I met him.  And believe me, I am not one of those foo foo chicks that actually believes in love at first sight.  But G has had my heart since day one.  It should be so easy to say.  I mean seriously! I have this man's name tattooed on my body for goodness sake! He knows that I love him, but shouldn't I say it?

Why is so hard to say I love you? I always wonder do other women have this issue.  Is it because I think so much like a man when it comes to dating rituals?  But thinking and dating like a man does that mean not having feelings, emotions that we should not express.

I could tell former boyfriends I loved them in a heart beat, but I didn't really love them.  This man, makes me want to do flips, cartwheels, and scream on top of Mt. Rushmore "I love you G-MAN".  Hell I post how much I love him on Facebook all the freakin time!! But I can't say it to his face.

Do we, take these chances with our heart only to be disappointed over and over again, and when the real thing comes along not know what to do?

Pheromones

Pheromones. What is it? Why does it affect us the way they do?  

The reason I ask is, I miss the way my boyfriend smells. 

So I ask...

What is it about the way men smell.  They smell sooo damn good! (Well 85% of the men I come into contact with).  The smell of their skin, mixed with cologne,  or the combo of soap and a little bit of sweat.  Man! I love it.  

My boyfriend has a scent that drives me crazy.  When he is away on business which is most of the time, the first thing I miss about him, is the way he smells.  The scent of his skin, mixed with a bit of cologne and sweat, drives me up a wall.  I tend to sleep in his shirts the first few days, because the longing for him is so instant.  I feel like I am on an island and crawling towards him, but never actually reach him.  (I know CRAZY-TOWN)

There is a Korean BBQ place my friends and I like to go to, and our usual waiter smells so delightful.  I am surrounded by meat, and sauces, and all I can smell is him.  I just want to drip sauce on him and lick off.  (ooops, my thoughts are drifting and drooling)

It's because of the pheromones. Of course most of us know about pheromones and what they can do to us.  How they affect us either negatively or positively. 

If not heres the definition:

A pheromone is a secreted or excreted chemical factor that triggers a social response in members of the same species. Pheromones are chemicals capable of acting outside the body of the secreting individual to impact the behavior of the receiving individual.

How does the smell of your loved one affect you?