I am so CHICKEN SHIT

I am soo chicken shit!!

I can't even tell my boyfriend (G-Man, he is my Mr. Big) that I love him.  I had the perfect opportunity to tell him last night.  It was just after I gave him a fantastic blow job.  We were sitting in the kitchen, and we were just staring at each other.   I am sure it was only seconds, but it felt like eternity.  Just looking each other in the eyes. I had butterflies, my palms were all sweaty, and I could feel it forming on my tongue. I felt a smile come to my lips. Then he says "What?" Uggh.  Perfect opportunity.

  I have been in love with this man since the day I met him.  And believe me, I am not one of those foo foo chicks that actually believes in love at first sight.  But G has had my heart since day one.  It should be so easy to say.  I mean seriously! I have this man's name tattooed on my body for goodness sake! He knows that I love him, but shouldn't I say it?

Why is so hard to say I love you? I always wonder do other women have this issue.  Is it because I think so much like a man when it comes to dating rituals?  But thinking and dating like a man does that mean not having feelings, emotions that we should not express.

I could tell former boyfriends I loved them in a heart beat, but I didn't really love them.  This man, makes me want to do flips, cartwheels, and scream on top of Mt. Rushmore "I love you G-MAN".  Hell I post how much I love him on Facebook all the freakin time!! But I can't say it to his face.

Do we, take these chances with our heart only to be disappointed over and over again, and when the real thing comes along not know what to do?

Pheromones

Pheromones. What is it? Why does it affect us the way they do?  

The reason I ask is, I miss the way my boyfriend smells. 

So I ask...

What is it about the way men smell.  They smell sooo damn good! (Well 85% of the men I come into contact with).  The smell of their skin, mixed with cologne,  or the combo of soap and a little bit of sweat.  Man! I love it.  

My boyfriend has a scent that drives me crazy.  When he is away on business which is most of the time, the first thing I miss about him, is the way he smells.  The scent of his skin, mixed with a bit of cologne and sweat, drives me up a wall.  I tend to sleep in his shirts the first few days, because the longing for him is so instant.  I feel like I am on an island and crawling towards him, but never actually reach him.  (I know CRAZY-TOWN)

There is a Korean BBQ place my friends and I like to go to, and our usual waiter smells so delightful.  I am surrounded by meat, and sauces, and all I can smell is him.  I just want to drip sauce on him and lick off.  (ooops, my thoughts are drifting and drooling)

It's because of the pheromones. Of course most of us know about pheromones and what they can do to us.  How they affect us either negatively or positively. 

If not heres the definition:

A pheromone is a secreted or excreted chemical factor that triggers a social response in members of the same species. Pheromones are chemicals capable of acting outside the body of the secreting individual to impact the behavior of the receiving individual.

How does the smell of your loved one affect you?  

The bathroom used to be my sanctuary....

I used to come home from work, and I would be met at the door by my kids, one 14 and the other 3.  Either they were fighting, or they had some other issues like they wanted to be fed or something.  Whatever it was they were usually screaming at the top of their lungs, and working my nerves.  My brain just wasn't functioning and could not function.  After 8 hours of work, 35 minute drive on the freeway to go less than 6 miles.  I needed to unwind, and have no thoughts at all.  For a while I would come home and just sit on the edge of my bed in total silence.  That didn't last long.....

I found going into the bathroom, with my laptop, and locking the door behind me to be a more effective get away, a mini vacation.  Not like I needed to go into the bathroom and take a shit, but my brain needed to take a shit.  I would go in the bathroom, put the toilet seat down, and just sit there with my laptop and play silly Facebook games.  The peace and quiet was heavenly, to say the least.

I started taking other stuff in the bathroom with me, my phone, the mail.  My daily bathroom stay-cations became longer events.  It was my own little home office in the bathroom.  If I didn't actually have to feed my kids, I probably could stay in there for hours.

My kids, at least the 3 year old would stand at the door and just knock and knock and knock.  I could tune her out for hours on end.  Until she learned how to jimmy the lock.

When did 3 year olds become locksmiths?

Needless to say, the bathroom used to be my sanctuary.

....It's Only Tuesday

Fuck!!! It's only Tuesday....

I don't want to rant about the week going so flippin slow but, I just want the week to be over.

I am sitting here semi watching CSI Miami.  Which is probably the one of the worse written shows on earth.  How is it, that the regular CSI is sooo good, and this one is really crappy.  Oh well, I still watch it.

So, I got laid off the other day. Not too too sad about the situation, since my boss assumed she was "Shit" or that her "Shit don't Stank".  Unfortunately for her, it did! I could go into details, but I believe you all have had a boss before or have one now that claims to be such a wonderful, open communicator, and turns out to be passive aggressive and bi-polar.  What a combo!!

Most of my days at work were spent daydreaming of fun fantastic things I could be doing rather than being at work.  But on occasion, I would have the best daydreams about getting up and slapping the shit out of my boss.  Oh how I wish I had the opportunity to do it the day I was laid off, but unfortunately she went and hid in her office, and let other people handle the lay offs.  

I don't think the unemployment cloud has hit me yet, so I haven't gone through the "grieving period" of unemployment.  So far I am just like whatever.  But soon, the excitement of being rid of such a horrible situation, then slowly the sadness of being unemployed and I will sit in my room and weep of being jobless, and then the anger of not finding a job fast enough (WHY ME I will scream, haha).  Til I get to the pure bliss of enjoying everyone and everything I couldn't enjoy being locked away in my office for 8 hours a day.


I guess I have a brain fart going on, cause I just lost my train of thought......

til next time

My love for the F word

This is such a cliched and overused statement, but I have been thinking of writing a blog for the longest time, but never knew what to write about.  I never wanted to write about the same thing everyday, so blah, and boring.  And what about a title for my blog.  I never could think of anything smart, and witty that would catch your eyes.  And who knows,  no one may ever read my blog, but I think the title sums it up.  I was sitting on my bed watching the Princess and the Frog for the umtenth time, and said to myself FUCK.  Not really knowing why I said it, but said it anyway.  I started thinking about how much I use the F word, and how much it is used in every day conversation.  Is the F word more accepted?

I will tell you one thing......


I fuckin' like the F word.


Now that I got that off my chest, what am I supposed to write about for my inaugural blog-fest, blog-a-paluza, whatever else anyone wants to call it.

I am challenging myself to actually write a blog,   I hope I am as entertaining, witty, and interesting, as I think I am.

uuuuhhhhhh......

I guess I can tell you the deal with the F word.  I guess for me the F word is so much more than just the F word.  I use it to describe any and everything.  From the fuckin thingy that is always at the bottom of my purse and you can never find it when you are out somewhere til you dump your entire purse,  to the more explicit things I want to do.  (haha) It is one of the best word inventions around.

I guess i wont write too much more, I have to channel my inner blogger or have a more exciting weekend....