It's Complicated...

G-Man is still gone.....

As I await the return of my G-Man, I tend to occupy my time with several things homework, kids, eating, basic general everyday things.  But my favorite thing is to stalk people on Facebook.  I love to watch their lives unfold via social networking.  

What amazes me the most about the people I stalk, is the fact that they make no secret about their yearnings to be in a relationship or to be married.  I am sure you can guess, most of these people are women.  

I don't know what to say, most days I shake my head in disbelief.  Some days I see messages like "I am a strong woman, I don't need a man" and in the next update "Why can't I find someone for me?" "Why can't I have my white dress?". 

As I lay in my bed, I patiently wait for the updates to start.  It's like clock-work.  "I can't wait to see my baby", "Having a wonderful time with my man", "Ahhhhh".  To the "I am done" ,"Moving on", "Can't sleep, too much on my mind".  

All while changing their status' from single, to in a relationship, to its complicated, back to single, then back to It's complicated".  What is that?

Now I am totally guilty of the "lovey-dovey updates" especially in french.  "J'aime mon homme (I love my man)", "Je suis tellement en amour (I am so in love)", and blah blah blah".  Especially after a good dicking from G-Man.

But my updates don't hold a candle to the people I stalk on Facebook.  

These people go from one gear shift of  love  to hating this person, being heart broken, venting of their anger, to posting pictures that they shouldn't in less than a week.

If relationships can take a person to the extremes I see on FB, is really worth it? Should we look at it as a disposable relationship and move on?

I know, we as humans, are not made up to be alone, we are always searching for that wholeness, that person that will "complete" us.  It's a built in need.  

Love has a tremendous hold over us, even if we choose not to acknowledge it.  We are always on this relentless search for Mr or Mrs right, and they turn out to be Mr or Mrs right now.   

Before we jump into our next Facebook infused relationship failure rants, before we settle down with someone, it is important that we actually know us first. If a relationship is complicated maybe we are too complicated to begin with to be in a relationship.

We want to believe what we see on t.v. and in the movies, that we will ride off into the sunset with the person of our dreams.  Love doesn't really happen that way.  It happens in its own time, unforced by anyone.



But is it really that complicated......

An order of TRUST SUPER-SIZED...

G-Man is traveling again for work...

The first thing I did this morning since I have yet to do laundry, is smell the t-shirt I had on when I spent the night at his house.  It smelled just like him.  As I sit here thinking of him, all I can think about is how he smells, and the way he makes me laugh.  Who would have thought that this serious suit and tie guy was so hilarious.  Man I miss the friendship and love he and I have for each other.  

When G-Man travels, I worry and I can't sleep.  

So I was up last night and I was on messenger with a friend of mine, Papi.  His wife Freckles travels for work and is gone ALL the flippin time.  So I asked him about how he deals, as well as when she is gone what is the first thing he misses about her.  He said he misses the sex, the companionship, and the talking.  

I would have to agree with my friend....

I wondered, how does he deal with being alone all the time. Cause some days I have no idea how to deal.  I feel tested sometimes.  

I confessed to Papi that I had been struggling with insecurities about my relationship with G-Man this past week.  G-Man has been so preoccupied with work, preparing for his biz trip, and other things this past week that I felt a little ignored.  I know if he was some regular guy, with a regular job, I would probably feel a bit smothered with all the time me and my regular guy spent together.  But I am not dealing with regular here.  And this is not your ordinary love relationship.  But I was driving myself crazy.  And I wasn't sure why. 

Did I not trust G-Man? Of course I do! I was back to psycho analyzing every little thing, and forgetting to look at the big picture.  This man that I am in a relationship with, makes time for me at least once a week, he returns every single email I send to him, he calls me just to hear my voice even though he knows how much I hate to talk on the phone.  He thinks of me.  I know the things I mentioned may seem very small to many, a non-factor, and an excuse to defend him, but these are big steps for a guy who once wrote to me in the getting to know phase that he is not big on communicating and romance.  He is all about ROMANCE.

What Papi made me realize from our IM session is that every couples relationship is different. We communicate differently, we show our feeling differently.  There is not a manual for relationships and love that anyone can follow.  All the trust that G-Man has for me, I have to also have for him.  There are ups and downs it will not be smooth sailing all the time.  I needed to STOP.  Just stop over thinking, stop wanting the easy.   

I needed to stop ordering the side of psycho analyzing.

What I needed was an order of TRUST SUPER-SIZED.....

Cliff Jumping....

I have been thinking a lot lately about relationships.  We make connections to others, some good, and some not so good. But all of these relationships have some kind of effect on us.  I am not too sure why I am reflecting on relationships so much, except for the fact that I am reflecting on my own relationship with G-Man.

Why is it that we as women psycho analyze every single thing about our relationship. Every word, every look, every touch that happens or doesn't happen.  We want to believe that we will live happily ever after with this person.  When we fall in love are we supposed to analyze it, or just FALL, fall head over heels for that person.

I swear, some days I think about this fairy tale that I am living out, and think, am I crazy.  Why did I give up everything, quit my job for him.  Is he really worth it.

See, we met at a mixer, where I feel in love with him at first sight. He took my breath away, I was gone. Went to lunch the next day, and 6 weeks later I was off to Africa to visit him for 3 weeks while he was on assignment.  Only after trying to figure out how to go on vacation for 3 weeks at a new job.  Oh, yeah, you don't.  So I quit.  And No he isn't African.

Now I am in this relationship, with a guy that is amazing.  I love him more than I actually thought was possible for me to do.  And now I have all these insecure thoughts.  Not the thoughts that you get when you are fuckin around on that person(cause I'm not, he is everything I ever wanted), but the doubt that can build up, about picking the right mate.  We always have glorious thoughts about what our future will hold, and secretly await for the other shoe to drop.  

Seems like falling in love is so much harder when we keep our heart guarded.  I tried to find a way to love him and guard my heart at the same time.  But for some reason it doesn't work that way.  The more I love him, the easier the fence and chains that were around my heart seem to fall.  I used to wonder how it would feel to actually and truly be in love, and how would I know.  And always would get "you will know, when it happens".  Really? Is that how it works?

I never thought this would happen to me.  That first glance meant everything, more than I realized at the time.  But wow! My closed heart, opened.  I didn't realize it at the time that my heart had it's own agenda, and I needed to hop on this roller-coaster, or I was going to miss out on something great.  Even if in the end it doesn't work out, at least I could say it was the best time of my life.

Love is crazy, love is amazing, and you will never know unless you open up and experience it. Life's too short.


You gotta jump off the cliff, otherwise you will never know.....